nosrednayduj (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nosrednayduj) wrote2024-04-20 05:18 pm
nosrednayduj) wrote2024-04-20 05:18 pm
Life sucks and then you die
So my work is kind of sucking recently. We have a lot of customer issues, and our customer support organization is inadequate, so questions that I think ought not to go to development do go to development. We need to spend some time training customer support better, and we never have time, so instead we are answering customer questions ourselves.
So there isn't as much time for actual development as a result. In fact, the current deadlines do not affect me personally, because I don't have pieces that are going into the next release; I only have pieces that are going into the following release, which means that I should work on those some time, but it's not heavy pressure about that yet. But the customer questions do get heavy pressure, because the customers expect answers in a certain timeframe (dictated by severity and how important that customer is etc.) So there's still too much work. And then my team is too small and when people go on vacation, they aren't available to help with the customer support issues, and I've been really feeling it the last two weeks. My boss was out at a conference for three of those days, and it was stressful because it kind of falls to me to do the organizational stuff when he's out.
Anyway, I woke up crying on Thursday about how inadequate I was being even though I really can't try any harder. I don't work full time, but after six hours there's nothing left inside me and there's really no point in doing anything except reading or making cookies. (There's been a certain amount of stress eating, and 5 extra pounds over the last few months, which is not great either.)
So my boss came back and we had a chat and he was very supportive (my boss is awesome), and I confessed to a bunch of procrastiworking (I am forever grateful to Chris Hallbeck on mastodon for publicizing that phrase), and he was complementary that at least I was getting something useful done! Although, not for the customer case that I was having trouble with.
So then on Friday I got a slack message from somebody I'd vaguely heard of asking if he could talk to me about our product, and I thought he was going to ask a technical question, so I said sure, and he did a voice huddle thing with slack, and proceeded to ask me how some internal project was going where I'm helping his team, and trying to find out when it was going to be done. Now, I had ignored them for a couple of weeks a couple of weeks ago, but I had started to pay attention to them over the last two weeks, so I kind of felt like I'd been doing my part of that, and this harassment wasn't called for. And I hadn't read my email that morning yet, and so I guess I shouldn't have said sure talk to me, so I quick poked at my email and found that his employee had sent me an email about "there is a bug" and of course I hadn't looked at it yet, and so I was like "okay I see there's a bug, and I can't tell you when it's going to be done because I don't know if it's a hard bug or something trivial and I just don't know" and I got more and more frazzled in the conversation. Eventually I extracted myself from the conversation and burst into tears. Unfortunately, I had a meeting five minutes later.
So I called my boss (who was in the car having just dropped his kids off at school), and told him I was really struggling and this conversation I'd had and I didn't think I could go to this meeting because I wouldn't be able to stop crying soon enough. So we agreed that I would be 5-10 minutes late, and I would go outdoors and walk around for 10 minutes, and then come into the meeting in case I was needed. This plan worked, and I was able to put in my 2 cents in the meeting. Afterwards, I was still fragile, so I went on a bike ride (fortunately the weather was great), and came back at noon, and then I got work done for the rest of the afternoon successfully. Including dealing with the guy who made me cry's bug. I think that if I hadn't already been fragile from the day before, I wouldn't have been so upset about this random pressure from some random manager who's not in my chain of command. But, why am I so fragile? I don't feel like we have a toxic work place. But maybe secretly we do. Like, my manager is awesome, and his manager is okay, and the director seems to be very supportive of people needing time off or whatever. So some of this is internal "Protestant work ethic" or "I have to be able to do everything and can't fail" feelings, which are themselves kind of toxic.
Then I kind of took my feelings out on my housemates, so they are less than pleased with me, but I think we're making up and it will be okay.
Things started to suck right around the time my cat died. Is it because they were sucking earlier, and when things sucked I pet my cat and felt better as a result then was able to carry on? Or is this just burnout and the timing is coincidence?
Anyway, I'm going to yoga tomorrow, and that might help.
And we put in the first one third of the dock today.
So there isn't as much time for actual development as a result. In fact, the current deadlines do not affect me personally, because I don't have pieces that are going into the next release; I only have pieces that are going into the following release, which means that I should work on those some time, but it's not heavy pressure about that yet. But the customer questions do get heavy pressure, because the customers expect answers in a certain timeframe (dictated by severity and how important that customer is etc.) So there's still too much work. And then my team is too small and when people go on vacation, they aren't available to help with the customer support issues, and I've been really feeling it the last two weeks. My boss was out at a conference for three of those days, and it was stressful because it kind of falls to me to do the organizational stuff when he's out.
Anyway, I woke up crying on Thursday about how inadequate I was being even though I really can't try any harder. I don't work full time, but after six hours there's nothing left inside me and there's really no point in doing anything except reading or making cookies. (There's been a certain amount of stress eating, and 5 extra pounds over the last few months, which is not great either.)
So my boss came back and we had a chat and he was very supportive (my boss is awesome), and I confessed to a bunch of procrastiworking (I am forever grateful to Chris Hallbeck on mastodon for publicizing that phrase), and he was complementary that at least I was getting something useful done! Although, not for the customer case that I was having trouble with.
So then on Friday I got a slack message from somebody I'd vaguely heard of asking if he could talk to me about our product, and I thought he was going to ask a technical question, so I said sure, and he did a voice huddle thing with slack, and proceeded to ask me how some internal project was going where I'm helping his team, and trying to find out when it was going to be done. Now, I had ignored them for a couple of weeks a couple of weeks ago, but I had started to pay attention to them over the last two weeks, so I kind of felt like I'd been doing my part of that, and this harassment wasn't called for. And I hadn't read my email that morning yet, and so I guess I shouldn't have said sure talk to me, so I quick poked at my email and found that his employee had sent me an email about "there is a bug" and of course I hadn't looked at it yet, and so I was like "okay I see there's a bug, and I can't tell you when it's going to be done because I don't know if it's a hard bug or something trivial and I just don't know" and I got more and more frazzled in the conversation. Eventually I extracted myself from the conversation and burst into tears. Unfortunately, I had a meeting five minutes later.
So I called my boss (who was in the car having just dropped his kids off at school), and told him I was really struggling and this conversation I'd had and I didn't think I could go to this meeting because I wouldn't be able to stop crying soon enough. So we agreed that I would be 5-10 minutes late, and I would go outdoors and walk around for 10 minutes, and then come into the meeting in case I was needed. This plan worked, and I was able to put in my 2 cents in the meeting. Afterwards, I was still fragile, so I went on a bike ride (fortunately the weather was great), and came back at noon, and then I got work done for the rest of the afternoon successfully. Including dealing with the guy who made me cry's bug. I think that if I hadn't already been fragile from the day before, I wouldn't have been so upset about this random pressure from some random manager who's not in my chain of command. But, why am I so fragile? I don't feel like we have a toxic work place. But maybe secretly we do. Like, my manager is awesome, and his manager is okay, and the director seems to be very supportive of people needing time off or whatever. So some of this is internal "Protestant work ethic" or "I have to be able to do everything and can't fail" feelings, which are themselves kind of toxic.
Then I kind of took my feelings out on my housemates, so they are less than pleased with me, but I think we're making up and it will be okay.
Things started to suck right around the time my cat died. Is it because they were sucking earlier, and when things sucked I pet my cat and felt better as a result then was able to carry on? Or is this just burnout and the timing is coincidence?
Anyway, I'm going to yoga tomorrow, and that might help.
And we put in the first one third of the dock today.
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